[We at 69NN, always enjoy bringing to you interviews and
insights into lives of not only really famous and exceptional
people, but ordinary, day-to-day people, who spend there
lives scraping, scratching the surface, looking for nourishment
in garbage bins, and trading their genitals to better their
chances of surviving for another day. One such person is Pete
Sampras. It is needless to say that he is no special person
and just a face in the crowd, nothing to worry about. But
anyway, today we bring not his interview but an appeal
to the great great great, mighty GOD himself.]

Text of the appeal:

Sampras an ardent Pet of Roger Federer cherishes the moment when the Great Lord shook hands with him as if both were equals.

“Dear Roger Federer, please don’t take it to be otherwise, when I say Dear I say so with the same humility as the one with which one addresses his GOD, Dear God for example. You are a God to me. I am a nobody and I understand that I have no right to address you uninvited in this way. And, I understand that I should not talk unless I am talked to. But I put my faith on the magnanimous benevolence of your soul and heart, to beg to you this request with my utmost sincerity of heart and deepest reverence for you. May God strike me down with all his might, right this moment, if I am not sincere in my heart.”

“Dear Roger Federer, I beg to state that you are a God to me and I am nobody but a deprived, depraved and directionless soul without you. Please be so kind to accept me as your chauffeur. I know money doesn’t matter to you, but I won’t ask for a penny. The very act of my being near my God is worth a fortune for me. I would become your pet and I would even re-christen myself as Pet Sampras.”

“With you, all my sins will be atoned for and I no longer would fear facing God on the judgement day. If only, oh! Please consider me worthy of being your chauffeur. Yes it is true that, just like at playing tennis, I am not good at driving either. But dear Sir, have mercy on a poor, weak, old haggard like me, who, though is not worth even one precious moment of your life, and you should not as much as move the tip of your nail even to have me crushed by 100 tons of solid iron or to behead me on a guillotine consisting of rusted heavy blades, is nevertheless a living organism.”

“No Sir, I am not worth the tip of the pubic hair that fell off, the last time you were copulating with that lovely, adoringly beautiful and immensely intelligent Miroslava Vavrinec in the le Bristol hotel, Paris on that sultry but sensual evening. And no Sir, I am not worth the speck of dust that flew off when you spat on the ground out of deep anguish when you were two sets down against that meagerly, miserly and abysmally low esteemed scum called Tommy Hass. And indeed, no Sir, I am not even worth, the strings that broke off when you in your Nike shirt, in your Nike shorts, in your Nike shoelaces and in your Nike headband smashed your racket onto the blue-green hard court with such a force that it could well have been used as a marionette rather than something, to play an approach shot down the ad court.”

“Yes Sir, I fully realize what a mean, meager and scanty living parasite I am. But please do have a mercy on me. Along with driving the car around, I will cook your food, wash your clothes,  run your errands and though I have heard you don’t own a house (oh how, humble of you!!), I will clean the windows of the house (whenever you will own one and I promise I won’t even look inside when you and the mistress are having some of your private moments). Please, please, please, please, please, have mercy on me make me your pet, if I am not good enough to be your chauffeur.”

“Of course writing my name is not important, but just for identification purposes,”

– Pet Sampras

69NN, Paris: It is age old adage that sports are not good for drugs. Though some people might argue that it is only true in case of Olympics and other major sports events, but the fact stands that large number of people don’t do drugs because they want to compete in these major sports events (even as there is little or no chance that such a thing might ever materialize for most people).

Simona Halep: Latest victim of sports

There is a growing consensus amongst experts, that sports (especially outdoor sports) are not only bad for drugs, but also for maintaining human body in the form as preordained by God. In recent times, this bad influence of sports has come to the fore time and time again. Latest in this long, but not at all illustrious list, is the case of Simona Halep, the budding and promising 19 year old sensation.

Simona Halep, left the whole world in utter shock with her announcement that she will get under the knife and undergo a surgery to reduce her 34DD sized breasts.

The 17-year-old feels they are a disadvantage and has vowed to have a reduction later this year. “The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play,” the Sun quoted her as saying. “It’s the weight that troubles me – my ability to react quickly,” she added.

Fans react angrily

However, fans of the Romanian tennis player don’t seem to copy her decision. They flocked to sign an online petition: Save Simona Halep Boobs. Already nearly 350 people have signed the petition the world wide. We give a glimpse, of the agony this whole episode is causing to Breast lovers all over the world, by reproducing some of the statements from the above website:

1. No. Romanian Government don’t let her do that. Pliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz –Josef  Zert
2. God is a man, God created those wonderful, wonderful things. YOU DARE TO OPPOSE GODS WILL?!?! –Heinrich Victory
3. Did you know that a set of knockers like those could feed a whole Zambian village? Don’t do it, Simona, think of the children. –Van Hammer
4. I’m the president of the United States and I approve of those massive milk jugs. –Barack Obama
5. You can’t have such a nice pair reduced for the name of tennis. –Mark Proctor
6. I’m going on hunger strike for this cause. –Al Couch
7. Udder madness. –Mark Rowe
8. Keep the tits, give up tennis and start doing porn! –Ninjacuts
9. For gods sake, think of the children! –Baz
10. Breats reduction is like slapping God in the face. –Muff Master D
11. don’t do it for the good of mankind!!!! –jason dunusinghe
12. I WILL KILL A PANDA IF SHE CUTS THEM DOWN. –Tom
13. Everytime there’s a breast reduction god kill’s a kitten, please think of the kittens! –Karl
14. Crime against Nature!!!! DDs should be re-classified under national heritage! –Scooby
15. At least let us see them on playboy first. –Luis Paulo de Araujo Porto

Condemnation the world over

A shinning glittering plate. Is that all one needs in life?

As can be seen from the reactions above, fans are utterly and truly outraged at this. From threats of violence, to invocation of religious sentiment against this ‘blasphemous’ act, fans don’t want to let any stone unturned to prevent Ms Halep from getting a ‘boob job’, which some see as ’scandalous’. Even US President Barack Obama couldn’t stay put and unmoved by this.

A white house aide to Mr Obama (who did not want to be identified) said, “Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between nations, it should be made clear to Romania, that any action taken by the Government of Romania to further the chances of Ms Halep achieving her stated goal, is counter to Article 1 and 7 of the UDHR and would call for a strong rebuttal by the US and may lead to economic sanctions on Romania by the United Nations.”

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, fresh from his victory in the general elections said, “After the rejuvenating success at General Elections 2009, I feel a forty years younger. As a result, I can see what are the reasons behind the concerns raised by people in certain circles regarding breast alteration plans of Ms Halep.” He added further, “Is is important to realise, what is more important in life? Is that shinning glittering plate given at the end of victory ceremony worth more than those two symbols of womanhood and motherhood.”

Why sports (especially professional woman sports) must go

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Let’s just see some of arguments in favour of abolishing professional woman sports.

The adverse impact a tennis serve has on a human female body is unparalleled.

A forehand return dislodges a woman's breasts from their medial position like none other.

Do they say anything of that sorts about a video? Nevertheless, here is a video:

As one can see the detrimental impact sports have on the bodies of female sports-women is phenomenal. It is about time that we raised our voice against professional sports. Women in their young and formative years are lead to believe that sports and not their breasts are the most important thing in life. This trend must stop. Professional sports organizations  must disallow woman sports events. It is not without thought that our forefathers banned women folk from participating in sports activities. Women should be banned from playing professional sports so that no woman should ever think about altering her assets in any way, to degrade the dignity of womanhood.

With no play we are sure that Ms Halep will no longer feel uncomfortable. As for the trouble caused by the (massive) weight of the breasts, we can only reassure her that there are many able bodied men (and women as well) who would like to hold them up for her. And all she ever needs to do is make an appropriate request (or even demand) for it.

Note: We are not against conspicuous or inconspicuous display of womanly assets in any way that is permitted by professional sports. By all means women are free to (rather even encouraged to) flaunt their assets and brandish them just like a roadside hawker goes on brandishing his wares, but women sports have to be banned as they only foster perverse ideologies such as breast reduction for the sake of their own sustainability.