In the start (or what from your words I infer to be the start), me the little dolt, was hopping around the trees, eating bananas, scratching my back, making strange undecipherable noises, jumping around, and occasionally balancing myself with my small (in comparison to some other animals) tail, without the least bit of worry. Ok I had to go hungry once in a while. And indeed I might have even died of thirst in one of those lives – I am supposed to have lived. But yes everything was fine. Just about fine – back then also.

But NO. For the sake of everything that is great and mighty in this world, for the cause of betterment of the species, or for whatever you consider to be noble and great – it was not good enough for you. No! Not in the least bit!

Heck! After all what good is hopping around twigs and stalks. I was destined for still higher and greater things in my life (or so said the God in your Bibles, Qurans, and Purans). So, I was made to come down from the trees, start standing upright on my two hind limbs and start grasping with forelimbs (or so science would have me believe and I am a superstitious person please don’t you worry, O scientists, I believe you – thanks Dostoyevsky).

Anyway, Eventually I lost my tail, and I could stand up tall and look further than any other ape had seen before. O you should have seen me standing tall on the ground. O if you could only see me, feeling proud of my achievement. Me the great dolt. The epitome of evolution. The greatest, the most righteous, the one belonging to the chosen species. O those were the days. O those were the days.

Anyway, returning back to the story, this helped me survive (I believe you again you good old scientists – I told you I am superstitious), after all I could see the danger better. O the logic of everything. Everything is so crystal clear. Everything perfectly falls into place. Indeed some skeptics – the negative thinkers – the very beings who block our boulevards of progress. Let them see the negatives in everything. Yes indeed there might be some loop holes, but O the majesty of science. The greatness of our scientists. But let us not digress – not even to commend our great scientists.

I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to come down from the trees, in fact I never wanted to. But then again, without doing all this I would not be part of progress – I would be just another ape. And who wants to be just another ape, oh I must grow into something more intelligent, something more sophisticated (or so the great leaders of humanity tell me – O great leaders I bow down to submission before you – take my hundred greetings).

Anyway to continue our slightly or may be even absolutely boorish and boring story …

And then came some super dolt and I don’t even remember his or her name or gender, but he or she (I have told you a hundred times I am not sexiest – but then what harm does telling 101th time does when you have already done so a 100 times, isn’t it?) invented the wheel. The WHEEL. Yes wheel the circular device. The facilitator of movement. The very axle of civilisation. Yes I can keep on saying a billion things for the wheel. But I must stop. I must stop.

So the wheel was invented. But, what for and why I don’t know. I didn’t knew back then also. But then again I was told by the same great leaders of humanity, that I should travel by bullock cart because feet won’t get me anywhere. But I didn’t want to go anywhere. But what can a dolt like me do? How can the great leaders of humanity be wrong, and me a worthless dolt be right? O what a dolt like me can do? Me who was drowsing in naked darkness of night, when the dawn of progress was sweeping through the plains, awakening and galvanising everybody. And yes me-the-dolt was forced to travel by the cart. Yes I succumbed.

But then even that not enough either. Not for you anyway. So next came your bicycle. And then the motor cars. And then the trains, the trams, the ships, the aeroplanes, and the spacecrafts. I don’t even remember their order of their coming into existence. It is not important (for you it may be, but not for me). The important thing for me is (if there is something important in this world) that I was made to ride each one of them or to envy those who were riding them. No there was no respite, no breathing space, not even a single moment of rest. I had to see you, envy you, fear you. There was no place to hide. I would go burry myself in deep jungle and you will come hunting for me. As if in the whole eternity the only thing that mattered was that I become part of your bandwagon.

But I didn’t want to.

Yes I could reach from Mumbai to Delhi in two hours. But I didn’t want to. I was happy at my home. Sulking in my apartment (full of all amenities that life could offer – yes a very very very very big thank you science), I was happy. I didn’t want to travel from Mumbai to Delhi – let alone travel in two hours. Time was never precious to me – I had so much of it at my hands that I could spend it on worthless things 24 hours a day – seven days a week. No travelling from Mumbai to Delhi in two hours was not at all important to me. I didn’t want it.

But then whether I wanted to or not didn’t matter. HAHA … HAHAHA.

What’s even more baffeling is …

Yes, I was happy to die during the child birth itself. And I was happy to die at at the age of 6 months due to cholera. What’s more, I was happy to die at the age of 2 years due to malnutrition. Hah what to say! I was happy to die at the age of 4 years due to typhus, typhoid, yellow fever, malaria, dysentery, hepatitis, pneumonia, anything and everything. And yes, I was happy to die at the age of 13, 18, 25, 39, 42, 56 and even at one hundred and eight. And, yes I would have liked to live until the last breath, and I would have fought and struggled till that moment – yes you guessed it right – till the last bit of energy, till the last bit of strength, till the last bit of resistance that was there in my body (or would I have? – hahaha).

Yes I would have struggled even at the age of 114 and even at 225. And had any one of you super dolts had as much as laid a finger nail on me, I would have cut you down into a hundred thousand tiny little pieces. But even then, at that very moment, I was happy dying. But no you would have none of this. The penicillin, the insulin and the streptomycin – you have them all – to take the struggle away from my life and make it miserable.

And this all was not enough, you gave me the McDonalds, the malls, the mobile phones and the SUVs. I didn’t want anything. I didn’t need the McDonalds or malls, no I didn’t want them in the least bit. I didn’t want the mobile phones, I didn’t want to go away thousands of miles from my family using your great wheels of progress, so that you can claim that you are bringing us together through the wonder of science metamorphosing into electro-magnetic waves traveling through air (or was it ether, heck who cares!). O science – the marvel of science. And I didn’t want to own any SUVs to drive in all the luxury and comfort.

But you wanted to control even my wants and needs and you did that. Yes you wanted me to become your slave (And I knew it fully well back then as well – you don’t need to hush up anything). Yes I became a  slave, and I became one out of my own accord. For that was the only thing I could do on my own will. Yes for the first time in life I was acting as per my will. And the spite that I held for you in my insides made me do it.

And so I became a slave of all your wealth, and all the means of showing it. And heck I don’t need your freedom. I like being a slave. To hell with your freedom. Yes bring them SUVs I am going to ride them. Turn on the AC. I love this life.

But now …

Oh! Here comes the great leaders of the world again.

What did you say? O that I am setting the planet towards a path to destruction. O that I am destroying the very fabric of life. O that I am putting the existence of human beings as a species itself to risk (along with other species – O the compassion makes me teary-eyed). What I should observe austerity? O your great hour of darkness (what an irony) – where everybody is supposed to turn of their lights for an hour. O your great day of feet – when everybody is supposed to walk instead of ride.

HAHAHAHAHAHA ….

To hell with you. And to hell with your existence. To hell with all the posterity.

Let the games begin. I will enjoy the best seat in this amphitheater. Let the killings begin.

Let tons and tons of methane escape into air from all the glaciers. Let every bubble of methane that oozes out of the ocean bed be a cause for rejoicing.

Let all the world’s carbon monoxide choke my lungs. It would more than a pay back for all that you have taken away from me – if only you were to perish with me. An eye for an eye, and I am waiting to see the world blind – dear Shri Shri Shri Gandhi ji ji ji thank you for this one. (O even this late in the article you can’t fail to notice the mistakes – a blind person seeing? Kudos to your intellect O reader! You are greatest. I will surely shed a tear or two when you perish.)

Let the heaven themselves fall upon the earth with all their wrath and fury. But no I will drive my SUVs. Bring them on. Bring every bit of progress. I want to imbibe every pint of progress. I want to breath in every bit of technology.

Let the world perish and with it perish all your science and technology (with all due respects to them). I am going to enjoy it a real loud this time. It is going to be a real loud Diwali this time – all the smoke and noise – aaaah absolutely wonderful. For my time has come. Great is the God indeed. He gives everybody a chance.

This is my turn. I am no wheel but I can turn as well.